Catholic during the Great Apostasy

I saw the abyss of evil that dwelt within me. When I looked in the mirror, I saw eyes – foreign, steeped in evil, as if they weren’t mine. Yet the truth is, they were mine. What I refused to notice for years remained unseen. Evil spreads like snake venom, killing everything it encounters on its path. External evil, which destroys the body, is better than the internal kind, which kills the soul. We don’t perceive it, we don’t even allow ourselves to think that it could have afflicted us. The blackness that envelops our mind and soul seems white. Yes, it’s true – we are spiritual colorblind, unable to recognize the obvious. Only when the veil falls are we surprised, even horrified, by what we see. We point out the speck in others’ eyes, yet fail to notice the plank in our own.
How long can we endure this? How long can we deceive ourselves? Looking at my example – a very long time, decades.
Not everyone will reach the place I’ve been – the abyss of nameless emptiness. God sends us as much as we can bear, and I was tempered by a lot. I was tough as a rock, I wanted to fight even God. I never gave up. Yet I still lost often. Just as victories were never complete, defeats were never final. Acting alone, without God, you’re merely a puppet in the hands of evil, that is, simply Satan. Evil is rarely black – more often it takes on shades of gray, blending into the surroundings, mostly gray and bland, unable to unequivocally say “yes” or “no.”
Like weather vanes in the wind, human opinions shift. Contradictions have become the hallmark of our life on this earthly dumpster. Depression is nothing more than a lack of a realistic view of ourselves – yes, ourselves, not what surrounds us. Seeing ourselves as we truly are, we can change something. Otherwise, it’s just the wandering of the blind over a precipice. A spiritual examination of conscience allows us to see this, and remorse for sins – which is, after all, the soul’s weeping over our wrongdoings – firmly places us on the rock of our faith.
We must look in the mirror and see who we’ve truly become, without any embellishments. What drives our actions? Is it really our soul and mind, or perhaps smartphones, which have become our new god?
Spiritual realism – just like political or economic realism – is what we need. This is what God gives us, clearly showing that nothing that isn’t absolute truth is white, and gray is even more treacherous than black. Let us remember this, and depression and mental illnesses will cease to be a problem.

Our greatest problem lies within us; in our souls, our minds – not outside. Because only by overcoming the internal enemy can we set our lives straight. Let me give you one example, perhaps not entirely spiritual, but showing how we behave.
Many of today’s so-called Catholics spot Masonic symbols and signs everywhere; in the most improbable situations and places. And not just those symbols, but also things like reptilian eyes and so on. In doing so, they demonstrate remarkable vigilance in fighting external enemies. Yet these same people fail to notice, for instance, that they participate in the new Mass, where Masonic symbolism is visible to the naked eye, or that several recent popes have praised Masonic lodges…
Masonic symbolism in the new Mass.

Masonic symbolism in the new Mass.

We’ve become farsighted – and what’s close, especially within us, we no longer want to see.
Instead of antidepressants and endless psychotherapy sessions, perhaps it’s worth looking in the mirror and seeing our true face. But be careful that it’s not a distorted mirror.
Besides, if you don’t believe in a spiritual approach, psychology confirms it all.
Here are a few examples.
Psychology confirms that self-awareness is key to mental health. Studies like those conducted by Duvall and Wicklund (1972) within the framework of Objective Self-Awareness Theory show that when people confront themselves – e.g., by looking in the mirror – they often feel discomfort if their behavior deviates from their internal values. This can lead to reflection, but also to denial.
Studies on depression (e.g., Beck’s work from the 1960s and 70s on cognitive theory) indicate that people struggling with depression often have a distorted self-image – either overly negative (self-imposed guilt) or they avoid confronting their weaknesses, leading to stagnation. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is based on the premise that a realistic view of oneself can help process such states.
From the perspective of social psychology, studies on morality (e.g., Haidt, 2001, moral foundations theory) suggest that people tend to relativize evil, especially in ethical gray areas, allowing them to avoid responsibility. This phenomenon, known as cognitive dissonance (Festinger, 1957), may explain why “black seems white” – the mind seeks justifications to reduce psychological tension.
Positive psychology (Seligman) and studies on religiosity (e.g., Koenig, 2012) show that faith can serve as a protective factor for mental health. Believers who find meaning in their suffering (e.g., through examination of conscience or remorse for sins) often cope better with depression and anxiety.
Studies on technology addiction (e.g., Twenge, 2017, regarding the iGen generation) indicate that excessive use of digital devices correlates with increased depression, anxiety, and a sense of emptiness.
Research on decision-making stress (e.g., Iyengar and Lepper, 2000) shows that living in a “gray zone” – without clear choices – heightens anxiety and helplessness, which can be a source of spiritual and mental chaos.
Yet the problem always lies in this: we don’t want to accept many things. We don’t see, we don’t hear – because that’s our attitude toward life. Spirituality, unless it’s something from the New Age movement, we treat as Catholic superstition. And so-called science? Sure, it’s acceptable, but only when it confirms what we think and how we act.
Depression is reaping an ever-greater harvest – antidepressants, psychoanalysis, therapies… and suicides. Yet it’s enough to look into your soul…

Loneliness of the Soul – Forbidden E-book

Arkadiusz Niewolski