Catholic during the Great Apostasy

I see shadows — they keep circling,
on my back I feel a sinister stare.
At times I lose my vigilance,
prayer falls silent and I turn away.

I long for a moment of joy,
a brief moment of laughter, not tears.
To breathe with a full chest,
to taste the flavor of life.

I have been alone for too long —
Lord, I do not know how long this will last.
Will I endure, or will I fall?
Perhaps I will not rise again.

Something in me has died —
perhaps the man.

Forgive me, Lord, but the weight of life crushes me.
I know —
You are my hope,
You are my refuge.
Yet sometimes the pain makes me want to howl.

So many obstacles, so much evil around us,
so many mistakes I make each day.
One day I will find a quiet place —
I will sit and sing my song
of laughter and joy.

Yet it will have nothing of reality in it.
I will not dance in the wind —
yet at times I need human nothingness.

Tears no one ever sees
lead me to where You are.

What should I ask for?
For the mending of my faults,
or perhaps more simply
for death,
to end this ancient dance of madness?

I would sing the song of truth —
but this song can be heard only by You.

It is carried by the soul’s silent wind,
and within it there is only You and me.

Arkadiusz Niewolski