Catholic during the Great Apostasy

Without You, God, I would be nothing, wandering through the garbage dump of this world. This world has taken hold of me… and I couldn’t resist it on my own.

People wander through this dump and don’t know how to get out. Led by the blind.

Oh God, if only they were blind!

They see, just like Satan… they see human desires, they see what people want and they give it to them. They give them everything that is against God and against nature.

Because of original sin, people desire what is against You.

How good it is, God, that You pulled me out of this swamp. You showed me the way out of the maze created by Satan. The one that people themselves created, and Satan just watched and laughed. Looking at everything that’s happening now, he bursts with laughter. In the end, he doesn’t have to do anything, people rush on their own. They wander through this landfill of life. One pulls out this, another digs up that. One finds gold, the next finds something resembling gold. They don’t know that it’s all an illusion created by him.

Everyone desires something, but who desires You, God!?

Who loves You?

Who among the faithful crowd doesn’t know whom they want to see with their eyes, which are not their own eyes, but the eyes of Satan? How many people want to see it, to look Truth in the eye?

You show the truth to everyone. Everyone has a chance, except those who harm the little ones, who consciously lead them to destruction, who consciously drag them through this landfill, this swamp of sins.

There is nothing worse than sin. Every sin hurts You.

Every sin. This daily sin is like a lash, and the heavier sins are like thorns that tear pieces from Your Most Holy Body.

Every sin hurts You, but these grave sins are like nails that pierce Your flesh!

They sin so much, but they keep talking about love. They lie when they say it’s for You and for their neighbor. They love themselves!

Lord, thank You so much for not letting me die. Because what is life without You, Almighty God!

You showed me the way out of this landfill, You showed me how to overcome the world. And now, sometimes, I don’t know what to do next. I see everything, but I don’t know what to do. The power of abomination and devastation is so powerful that it overwhelms me. I become like the dead when I see, listen, and watch.

How will they find a way out of this maze where blind lead the blind?

How will they find a way out?

After all, You cannot condemn everyone to destruction! I know the scale of sin is unimaginably great. I can’t even imagine how our Lord Jesus Christ endured such torments. So many sins, so many rulers, lies, hypocrisy, stubbornness, and hatred.

Not to mention the lack of love for You, God.

And You, Most Beloved Heart, loved us so much.

You created us in Your likeness, and we betray You like Judas. And then we wander through the wilderness of this world.

We don’t know where to go. We don’t know who should lead us.

Why did You take away all our shepherds?!

Don’t we deserve a little mercy?!

I know who created the abomination of devastation. It’s us. It’s people. Just as our Lord Jesus Christ warned: the mystery of wickedness is already at work. Satan is active.

You have already warned Your Church in the Book of Revelation of St. John. The seven letters to the seven churches were a warning. How many years ago was that! Has anything changed? Aren’t we still doing the same, just on a larger scale?

The Jews killed the prophets. They also killed You, dearest Lord – the Light, the Truth. The world hates the truth.

And now what have we done? What about Sister Lucia? What about Pope Pius XII, who saw the darkness surrounding him, who tried to fight it, who went up the mountain to the Cross and saw priests being killed by Nazis and communists? He had to watch that. What terrible torments he must have endured, seeing true priests die, seeing nuns, clergy being killed. And in the end, he himself knew in the darkness that the truth he wanted to tell would never leave that room where he lay. What a terrible death.

The triumph of Satan occurred then because people betrayed God.

I know, God, that I complain. I know I am nothing. My life was miserable. But maybe there will be at least one righteous person.

Maybe there are more who see the truth among the mass of false prophets, messages that people chase after. Maybe there is a way for them to see the truth. Surely there will be one righteous Lot worthy of leaving Sodom and Gomorrah. Surely there must be one person, or maybe a few hundred, maybe a few thousand, who will not look at the world but will follow You.

Lord, Your justice is great, but have mercy too!

People don’t always know how to think, and there are no priests. There are no sacrifices, no sacraments.

God, how can they see anything if they haven’t been baptized?

If they don’t know true Catholics, if they haven’t seen or heard a true priest.

I know, they need to pay for their sins, and the next generations will also have to pay. Human transgression is terrible, so the punishment must be terrible.

When I pray for You to take away this storm, to stop these storms, I know You can do it. But as our Lord said, if your faith was as small as a mustard seed, you could move mountains. I know my faith is nothing, but God, You created us and loved us. We are marked by evil because of original sin, and baptism doesn’t save us because who has been baptized?

God, who in our generation has truly been baptized?

Don’t we deserve a chance to know the truth?

I know that everyone receives it, but maybe it’s not enough. Maybe not everyone, looking in the mirror, sees the evil they have become in their eyes. Even though they kneel in church every day. No, they don’t kneel now… Even though they sit in church every day, saying the rosary – because often it’s just mechanical repetition, not considering Your will. Who should have taught them that? We are a generation of pagans because who was supposed to teach us?

God, I have seen the ruins of the church. When I looked around, I saw the abomination of devastation, and I knew what You wanted, I knew what I had to do, but now, I don’t know if I have enough strength. No one, literally no one, speaks the truth. Maybe I’m exaggerating because I don’t read or listen to everyone, but I don’t see anyone speaking. Everyone smuggles their own selves somewhere.

I remember, God, how I prayed in the church before the Brightest Virgin, so offended by that blasphemous image without a heart leaning against Her feet.

God, what blasphemy!

I remember asking You not to leave me alone because I felt lonely. Me, who thought I was converting the majority, saw the ruins of faith and was alone. I found support because You wanted it, because You knew I was weak. Because You knew what You sent me was terrible.

The truth I see is worse than any vision one can imagine. Saints describe hell, but You showed me true hell within a few hours. A hell where You are absent, only an all-encompassing emptiness remains. People are unaware of what they are without You.

God, You gave me refuge, You gave me support so I wouldn’t fall. Even though you prepared me for this my whole life. My whole life… Give them another chance, I beg You!They don’t want rebellion, God, no one rebels. People calmly march to slaughter. Those who vehemently rebelled against You, against Your laws, those who shouted against God, started revolutions, and followed the voice of Satan, now peacefully head towards slaughter.

They don’t know… They don’t understand… They are indifferent… whether it’s the tenth dose or… without rebellion, without remorse. And yet, they rebelled against the truth. There’s no need to blindfold them, they don’t see anyway. There’s no need to cover their ears because they don’t hear.

God, give a chance to those people condemned to damnation. They demand signs, but as our Lord Jesus Christ said, there will be no signs. Not for them. But God, there are indeed those who have never known You in darkness, like pagans. They need those signs. I know that just like the Jews, today’s chosen people – Catholics – they will no longer see signs because they have become so entrenched in lies… that no sign will be given…

Think about those who quietly pray somewhere in the back… side aisles of the church. Maybe they continue to pray at home and don’t understand anything. They don’t understand, so they don’t accept everything that is happening, but without a guide, they don’t know what to do. Like lost sheep. Maybe they deserve a sign…

Shouldn’t the shepherd go in search of one lost sheep?

God, they need a sign!

They believe, they understand the remorse for their sins, they try. God, there are such people. They need a sign. They need a guide – a shepherd to lead them. I know You won’t abandon them… Don’t look at me, God, for I am not worthy of Your gaze, but look at them. May Your mercy notice them, and may Your justice not have mercy on the rest, for they are deserving of Your wrath

2021

Arkadiusz Niewolski